Well, one of my dearest friends has been near death for 2 weeks, and I responded as usual, by manipulating food and insulin, which I know is not the world's best way of coping with grief and worry. So I asked my psychiatrist to increase my antidepressant AND I talked to Lorraine, the dietitian/therapist about the fact that all I could find comfort in was either bingeing or overdoing the sleeping pills. Again, not the world's best way of coping. So we decided that it might be a good idea if I went back and attended some of the groups at CFH. And made a commitment to eat something 3 times a day, even if it's not a "balanced" meal, which I sometimes just can't face. Starting on Monday.
So the good news is that my friend miraculously came out of her coma last Tuesday -- it was NOT expected by the doctors, who had been advising the family to pull the plug. She is weak and being taken care of in a nursing home, but at least it means that I get a little more time with her -- not going to lose her just yet.
So I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, and now that I've come down from the euphoria of knowing that my friend has survived, I realize that I'm on a downward spiral again, and even though I don't like groups, maybe it will help me get back on track again. Because I know I'm doing behaviors that aren't quite right. Like, yeah, I've been eating 3 times a day, but keeping the portions small, and sometimes just a piece of fruit and a cup of tea or coffee. And by that time, I'm full. And I don't WANT to eat any more than that.
So I'm going to have to do some work on portion sizes and meal composition and variety, because I find those very difficult. But at least I'm in a place I can work on them, now that the worry about my friend has been lifted.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Don't be a doormat
It is unfortunate to have T1 diabetes -- I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE, but there it is. So, since our bodies aren't making insulin, then the insulin we take is what will help us be healthy and happy, just what we pretty much all wish for. While it will never stop being a nuisance (for me, the biggest obstacle is always having to be aware of the carb counts for what I eat), it's really only a small part of life, if you think about it. Many people have lived long, healthy, successful lives with T1 and you can, too. For me, it's just accepting that I have it, and it won't go away, no matter how much I wish it would, and my BG numbers will never be perfect, so, OK, fine. The second part is that my family told me I was fat as a child, which I wasn't (it's just that my sister was skin-and-bones thin), and my mantra, every day, and every time I think of it, is I'm NOT fat, and I DIDN'T cause my diabetes. I'm guessing that pretty much everyone, not just diabetics, needs to remember that humans come in a variety of body shapes, and if stupid people make ignorant remarks, it's your right to REJECT those remarks, and remind yourself of the truth. I sometimes wish that young people, especially teenagers, had the knowledge and self-confidence to simply say, "LIAR" when someone tells them how they should manage their diabetes, or how much insulin they should be taking, or what they should or should not be eating. Because we have to FIGHT against the people who are trying so hard to undermine us while thinking they are being helpful. Educate the ones who can be educated, and abandon those who can't. Or set a boundary, like "I won't talk with you about that." Because in the end, you can be healthy, and you can take control of your own life and emotions, if you don't let other people treat you like a doormat.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Name changes for T1 and T2?
There is a petition being circulated by 2 moms of children with T1 advocating for a name change for the two types of diabetes. The URL is http://www.change.org/petitions/revise-names-of-type-1-2-diabetes-to-reflect-the-nature-of-each-disease
I read the petition in its entirety, but I still disagree with it. Let me see if I can be organized about my reaction:
1. Dangers to T1 children are not caused by misconceptions about diabetes having been caused by the media attention to T2, but rather by ignorance about diabetes altogether. For example, T2s can and do have pass-out lows if they are on medication.
2. T2s frequently end up on insulin, because they DO experience beta-cell death, and this causes them to have all the same kinds of hassles that T1s have.
3. Care for anyone with diabetes depends on their personal needs, not an academically convenient type. Some people with T2 do not respond to oral meds, or have adverse reactions to them and go on insulin fairly soon after diagnosis, while some T1s develop insulin resistance and become obese during adult life, and doctors are increasingly using oral meds in addition to insulin in order to take care of them adequately.
4. There are more types than just T1 and T2. The fact that scientists have yet to discover exactly what is happening in the garbage-can diagnosis that currently constitutes T2 doesn't mean that they are all homogeneous. Plus there are other types such as gestational diabetes, ketosis-prone T2 (which is ALSO called idiopathic T1), stiff-man syndrome, thin T2, LADA, etc. etc. etc. Diabetes is actually a spectrum disorder, not an either/or.
5. MOST of the dissension between the "two" diabetes communities comes from parents and young people who react negatively to media presentations which discuss T2 without being specific. We, at Diabetes Advocates, work to educate the media -- all it takes is adding the words Type 2 to their presentations in order to educate people correctly. We feel that this would be a better solution than trying to change names.
6. Most T2s feel very denigrated and stigmatized by organizations and people who focus SO hard on T1 and don't have the time of day for T2. Organizations, as opposed to the media, almost exclusively focus on "the cure" for T1. T2 doesn't matter. The media articles are hard enough on them, and they need the support of T1s, not being thrown out into that stinky, discriminatory T2 garbage can.
7. Jeffrey Brewer, president of JDRF, IS trying to include adults with T1 into JDRF activities, but it hasn't had much effect. As a LADA, diagnosed at the age of 45, I feel very left out of the child/family-oriented T1 activities, but ALSO the diet and exercise activities aimed at T2. I feel very much like an orphan, and I want inclusion, not exclusion. Your division of diabetes into 2 types leaves a lot of us completely out, especially when we DON'T fit into the convenient etiologies which may change tomorrow. I was never a child with diabetes, and am not a person whom diet and exercise will help. I tried that, and it turned into a full-blown eating disorder, because I was trying so hard to fit into a box. It was like, if I could get thin enough, then I could accept that I had T1, and not T2. I lost weight, but it didn't work.
There is another thoughtful blog on this issue at http://www.thebuttercompartment.com which is written by Lee Ann Thill.
OK, this has turned into a rant, but the conclusion is that a name change will NOT help the greater diabetes community in any way, but more understanding from people concerned with one type for people of multiple other types would go along way toward gathering our strength to not only fight for a cure (which would only be for T1), but also help people live with the vastly difficult emotional burden that diabetes imposes on all people affected by it.
I read the petition in its entirety, but I still disagree with it. Let me see if I can be organized about my reaction:
1. Dangers to T1 children are not caused by misconceptions about diabetes having been caused by the media attention to T2, but rather by ignorance about diabetes altogether. For example, T2s can and do have pass-out lows if they are on medication.
2. T2s frequently end up on insulin, because they DO experience beta-cell death, and this causes them to have all the same kinds of hassles that T1s have.
3. Care for anyone with diabetes depends on their personal needs, not an academically convenient type. Some people with T2 do not respond to oral meds, or have adverse reactions to them and go on insulin fairly soon after diagnosis, while some T1s develop insulin resistance and become obese during adult life, and doctors are increasingly using oral meds in addition to insulin in order to take care of them adequately.
4. There are more types than just T1 and T2. The fact that scientists have yet to discover exactly what is happening in the garbage-can diagnosis that currently constitutes T2 doesn't mean that they are all homogeneous. Plus there are other types such as gestational diabetes, ketosis-prone T2 (which is ALSO called idiopathic T1), stiff-man syndrome, thin T2, LADA, etc. etc. etc. Diabetes is actually a spectrum disorder, not an either/or.
5. MOST of the dissension between the "two" diabetes communities comes from parents and young people who react negatively to media presentations which discuss T2 without being specific. We, at Diabetes Advocates, work to educate the media -- all it takes is adding the words Type 2 to their presentations in order to educate people correctly. We feel that this would be a better solution than trying to change names.
6. Most T2s feel very denigrated and stigmatized by organizations and people who focus SO hard on T1 and don't have the time of day for T2. Organizations, as opposed to the media, almost exclusively focus on "the cure" for T1. T2 doesn't matter. The media articles are hard enough on them, and they need the support of T1s, not being thrown out into that stinky, discriminatory T2 garbage can.
7. Jeffrey Brewer, president of JDRF, IS trying to include adults with T1 into JDRF activities, but it hasn't had much effect. As a LADA, diagnosed at the age of 45, I feel very left out of the child/family-oriented T1 activities, but ALSO the diet and exercise activities aimed at T2. I feel very much like an orphan, and I want inclusion, not exclusion. Your division of diabetes into 2 types leaves a lot of us completely out, especially when we DON'T fit into the convenient etiologies which may change tomorrow. I was never a child with diabetes, and am not a person whom diet and exercise will help. I tried that, and it turned into a full-blown eating disorder, because I was trying so hard to fit into a box. It was like, if I could get thin enough, then I could accept that I had T1, and not T2. I lost weight, but it didn't work.
There is another thoughtful blog on this issue at http://www.thebuttercompartment.com which is written by Lee Ann Thill.
OK, this has turned into a rant, but the conclusion is that a name change will NOT help the greater diabetes community in any way, but more understanding from people concerned with one type for people of multiple other types would go along way toward gathering our strength to not only fight for a cure (which would only be for T1), but also help people live with the vastly difficult emotional burden that diabetes imposes on all people affected by it.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Relationships
Parents come and go. Children come and go. Partners can come and go as well. The only person who will ALWAYS be with you is yourself. If you're lucky a special friend or two. But for the most part, the people who surround you are like the seasons -- they stay for a while, and then they're gone, for whatever reason -- it isn't usually because they dislike you, but because life sends us on our separate journeys.
I'm visualizing a rock in a stream. The water molecules each pass the rock, and caress it, but then they leave. There are always water molecules, but they are never the same. Some are nearer and some are farther, some pass by quickly, and some eddy around the rock for a time. But at some point, they always leave.
So loving ourselves is what we have to do first, even though it may be harder for us than for people who haven't had our struggles. Once we love ourselves fully, then we can truly commit to loving other people, and give them the love they deserve for the time they spend in our lives. Always aware that nothing is eternal, and always aware that we can love powerfully in THIS moment, and then forever, even if we never meet again.
I'm visualizing a rock in a stream. The water molecules each pass the rock, and caress it, but then they leave. There are always water molecules, but they are never the same. Some are nearer and some are farther, some pass by quickly, and some eddy around the rock for a time. But at some point, they always leave.
So loving ourselves is what we have to do first, even though it may be harder for us than for people who haven't had our struggles. Once we love ourselves fully, then we can truly commit to loving other people, and give them the love they deserve for the time they spend in our lives. Always aware that nothing is eternal, and always aware that we can love powerfully in THIS moment, and then forever, even if we never meet again.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Progress Report
1. I do binge sometimes, and then not take any insulin until my BG is godawfully high. And then I spend the night chasing it down. It comes down a bit, and then starts right back up again, because when my stomach is full, it empties only slowly. So I take some insulin, and 3 hours later, take some more, and that lasts up to 12 hours. Not fun.
2. Left-over behaviors are binge, guilt, and compensatory starving. Also limiting insulin -- I've been very good about not omitting completely, but I tend not to take enough, and I also tend to take it late, which means after my BG has gone up and my CGM is yelling at me that I'm high.
3. The only thing that helps if I'm edging toward a binge is to eat real food until I'm definitely full. I can't tell you how hard it is, because I don't really like real food, and it's a struggle to FORCE myself to eat it when what I really want is sweets. I LEARNED this while I was in full-time treatment, and I'm still seeing the world's greatest dietitian, and she reinforces what I really DO know, but want to ignore. I didn't shop for a team, because I wouldn't be able to travel, anyway, but a lot of girls travel to the Center for Hope here in Reno, because they do have specific resources for women with T1 diabetes.
4. I'm LOUSY at regimentation! The only things that are consistent with me are meds as soon as I wake up, and before I go to bed. Since I have a pump, long-acting insulin is not an issue, and my real need is to be disciplined about bolusing whenever I eat. ANYTHING. I have a bad habit of not bolusing for snacks, and like I said before, I don't usually bolus when I'm starting a binge. While I'm TRYING not to binge, I'm not always successful. I also need to bolus for protein, and not very successful at that, either.
5. I'm trying very hard NOT to weigh myself. My mantra for what may be the rest of my life is it's not weight, it's HEALTH! I need to do what's healthy for me, and not fuss about my weight. I haven't weighed myself for a month or two now, and I really don't know whether I've gained or not, but my clothes still fit, so that's doing well in my book!
And I DO have successes, in that I'm NOT omitting insulin entirely, ever, even if I'm late sometimes, and I'm working on portion control, and better carb counting. I'm working on learning to use the square wave on my pump, with varying degrees of success. And I'm making the effort to force myself to eat vegetables, sometimes, even though I really hate them. I still feel guilty about eating "normal" portions of real food, especially carbs, but I'm working on it. And I'm working on being able to eat "normal" portions of sweets, instead of gargantuan ones.
So I feel pretty good about what I'm doing, food wise, even though it's not perfection.
2. Left-over behaviors are binge, guilt, and compensatory starving. Also limiting insulin -- I've been very good about not omitting completely, but I tend not to take enough, and I also tend to take it late, which means after my BG has gone up and my CGM is yelling at me that I'm high.
3. The only thing that helps if I'm edging toward a binge is to eat real food until I'm definitely full. I can't tell you how hard it is, because I don't really like real food, and it's a struggle to FORCE myself to eat it when what I really want is sweets. I LEARNED this while I was in full-time treatment, and I'm still seeing the world's greatest dietitian, and she reinforces what I really DO know, but want to ignore. I didn't shop for a team, because I wouldn't be able to travel, anyway, but a lot of girls travel to the Center for Hope here in Reno, because they do have specific resources for women with T1 diabetes.
4. I'm LOUSY at regimentation! The only things that are consistent with me are meds as soon as I wake up, and before I go to bed. Since I have a pump, long-acting insulin is not an issue, and my real need is to be disciplined about bolusing whenever I eat. ANYTHING. I have a bad habit of not bolusing for snacks, and like I said before, I don't usually bolus when I'm starting a binge. While I'm TRYING not to binge, I'm not always successful. I also need to bolus for protein, and not very successful at that, either.
5. I'm trying very hard NOT to weigh myself. My mantra for what may be the rest of my life is it's not weight, it's HEALTH! I need to do what's healthy for me, and not fuss about my weight. I haven't weighed myself for a month or two now, and I really don't know whether I've gained or not, but my clothes still fit, so that's doing well in my book!
And I DO have successes, in that I'm NOT omitting insulin entirely, ever, even if I'm late sometimes, and I'm working on portion control, and better carb counting. I'm working on learning to use the square wave on my pump, with varying degrees of success. And I'm making the effort to force myself to eat vegetables, sometimes, even though I really hate them. I still feel guilty about eating "normal" portions of real food, especially carbs, but I'm working on it. And I'm working on being able to eat "normal" portions of sweets, instead of gargantuan ones.
So I feel pretty good about what I'm doing, food wise, even though it's not perfection.
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