New Year's Resolution

Well, as for me, I need to pledge to keep working on my eating disorder, because although I've been discharged from CFH, I'm NOT cured, and I'm only succeeding part of the time. I'm really good at words for others; not so good at words for myself. I have an endo appt. in a few days, and he's going to see the BG swings, and total daily doses of insulin which are going to show him when I've been not eating/omitting insulin (they aren't synonymous). There's SO much self-discipline required in this diabetes game, and I was never all that good at it in the first place. So I'm feeling the urge to cancel the appt. But I won't. I'll just grit my teeth and go, and HOPE he's gentle with me.

When I'm feeling good, I do reasonably well, but I just had another depression, and when I'm depressed, my eating/insulin goes all to hell. I buy food, intending to eat healthy, and then it just rots in my refrigerator, because I can't bring myself to prepare it. So I either don't eat, or I eat junk food, which is pretty much just as bad. Yesterday, all I did was drink tea, and went to bed ravenously hungry, and couldn't sleep, and endured the hunger until 4 AM, when I finally got up and ate a little oatmeal and a cheese wrap. What did I put myself through that shit for? There's not a single rational reason I can think of. Other than still wanting to lose weight, in order to fit into the medical professions' ideals. I hate it SO much when they say things like I ought to lose a little weight!

I did a little research on the internet yesterday (like walking through a minefield, because whenever you look up BMI, you get a lot of diet stuff), and discovered that there is a "proposed" BMI table for people according to their age. Did you know that the BMI tables they use for EVERYONE are based on 18-year-olds? Well, I ain't no 18-year-old!! But I did find out about what is proposed (i.e. not commonly accepted or known) for women MY age, and that I fall within the healthy range. The search did trigger me, and I did get tearful about it, but the end result was something that I can use to knock the silly idea that I need to weigh what an 18-year-old weighs out of my head. And if ANY medical person says ANYTHING to me, I'm just going to contradict them, and tell them I'm perfectly healthy, just as I am. And refer them to the website. (Imaginary conversation: Dr.: You need to lose a little weight! Me: No, I don't, thank you very much!)

I think that's about as much as I've ever said on this subject, but even writing it out has been therapeutic. And if you've stuck with me this far, thank you for your love!