Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Thinking, again

I've had a pretty rough week. Out of 7 days, I restricted my eating on 6 of them. And felt virtuous about it. Just the opposite of what I would tell ANYONE else! So I saw my dietitian today, and she wasn't happy about it, and we agreed on a minimum amount of food intake, while being free to eat anything else I want to. And the thing I need to reinforce, over and over and over, is that I KNOW the road, I just need to walk it. Or crawl it. Kicking and screaming, but go on, and do the right thing.

My biggest problem is that intellectually, I know what starvation does -- it puts your body into starvation metabolism, and it struggles to provide energy to keep your vital organs alive by raiding first, glycogen stores in your liver, and then any fat you've laid down, and then by breaking down muscle, and finally, you die because your vital organs become too damaged to function. But emotionally, it seems like weight is weight, and the number on the scale somehow becomes a major part of my consciousness. And I will myself not to be hungry, but it can't last forever. And then, when I have the opportunity, I make a beeline to the cookies, or the cake, or the ice cream, without even thinking. I do it totally impulsively, because by the time I've gotten that far, there is no brain left. It's not like, I think I'm going to binge today -- I just DO it. And I don't take my insulin until AFTER the binge, when my blood sugars have gotten way too high, and then it takes me several days to get them down to range again. Does this sound like sabotage? Because it IS!

The other thing I've noticed is that even if I restrict, my body will not cooperate in keeping my blood sugar in range -- the amount of insulin I take when I'm not restricting is not sufficient to turn off my liver's glycogen release. As I said above, that glycogen release is NORMAL, and I know it's happening because I'm not eating enough.

So somehow, brilliantly intellectual Natalie has to convince little, emotional Natalie what's good for her. It CAN be done, but more importantly, it MUST be done. I cannot and must not sell myself down the river. Totally not worth it, if I can only believe!

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