Friday, February 1, 2013

My pancreas

My pancreas is a blob of Swiss-cheese-like yellow spongy material. The spongy material is the stuff that still works, secreting the digestive hormones, and the holes are where the beta cells used to be. And something that now resides in my brain got to my pancreas and stole my beta cells. And that something is much like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. He is pale, slimy, white, skeleton-like, and has HUGE blue eyes, and most of the time, he sits on the back of my brain, holding my dead beta cells, and whispering "My preciousssssss." He really loves them. Most of the time, he is pretty quiet, but sometimes he comes roaring out, and yells at me that I can't eat, because I did this to myself, and I need to PROVE what? I don't know. That if I could only get thin enough, the diabetes would go away? I already tried that. Didn't work. That I might as well give up, and binge myself to death? I don't REALLY want to do that, because I tried that, too. I could live with my diabetes if I could get HIM to go away.

This is my attempt at the image I was trying to convey in the previous words. That's diabetes + eating disorder + body dysmorphia happily riding my poor skewed brain. And that's my spongy pancreas, missing all the beta cells it's supposed to have. And it's my matronly body shaped like an apple. I'm not particularly happy about all this, and I REALLY don't like poking myself with all those needles! Even though I'm now on a pump!

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