Thursday, January 26, 2012

Moaning and Groaning

I'm in a very low place emotionally, and that's when I just can't deal with diabetes. I WANT it to GO AWAY, and haven't managed to convince it to do so, even by almost killing myself!

What I HATE about diabetes: the constant preoccupation with food -- what to eat, when to eat, how much, nutrition content and meal composition, particularly carbs and protein, how long its likely to last in my belly before I get hungry again, watching my weight (not overweight, but don't want to get that way)

What's ANNOYING about diabetes: running out of insulin in my reservoir at inconvenient times or places, when I either don't want to, or CAN'T change it, sitting up most of the night trying to bring a high down, the horrible tangy orange flavor of glucose tablets (easier to carry around than juice), not KNOWING when a low is going to hit.

What's BORING about diabetes: explaining it over and over to people until their eyes glaze over, knowing that they probably aren't catching much of what I'm saying, having it on my mind all the time.

What's IRRITATING about diabetes: all the people who think they know more than I do, and all the ads that bounce up on the internet, and in magazines, and ESPECIALLY the one on the package of Medtronic CGM sensors showing a cute, young and slender girl about to dig into a HUGE piece of carrot cake -- when I know for a fact that that piece of cake would literally do me in.

What's BIPOLAR about diabetes: On the one hand, pictures and articles of young, fashionable, adorable young people who are artists and extreme athletes, etc. with the message that you can do anything (Nat Strand would never have made it in that race if she hadn't had a knowledgeable and capable teammate who saved her butt a couple of times), and all the admonitions about taking care of yourself perfectly or you're going to get horrible complications. Seems to me the truth is somewhere in the middle -- either diabetes is a piece of cake, or it isn't, and it seems to me, it isn't.

What's on FIRE about diabetes: it takes a continuous emotional toll on a person. For anyone who's really trying, it's not a pop-a-pill and forget it disease. Which results in burnout. Which I've seen more people than just me struggle with. Coupled with a dark fear that on the days when I REALLY don't behave myself, I might be doing myself permanent damage.

And what's WORST for me, is having no one in my life who would be there if I had an emergency. The fact that friends came looking for me and saved my life in 2010 was pure luck, and it HAS made me a little more careful, but I'm darn scared of this disease.

Can you relate?


  1. Natalie, We all understand. I'm "fortunate" to be old enough that many friends have died (brain tumor, other cancer, cystic fibrosis, heart disease), and I figure I'm better off than they are. It puts things in perspective.

    For the living-alone challenges, why don't you try to start a Diabetes Buddies program in your town. You could pair people up, especially people who lived alone, and telephone each other once or twice a day to make sure you were OK.

  2. Great post Natalie! I agree with Gretchen because I have lost 4 family members from cancer but I also lost 1 diabetic family member from heart disease. I know things could be worse but I still get angry because I just want a normal life. I don't want to have to be obsessed with food or what happens to my BS if I eat something. I am tired of the misinformation out there. I live alone also and get scared of what happens if I don't wake up from a low.