Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Illness and Depression

I don't know how to go with the flow of depression, although I am becoming more aware of triggers. I have a cold, which was really bad on Saturday and Sunday; started to let up on Monday and today, but I'm still not completely recovered. And my reaction to it was to get depressed -- feeling like shit, and no one to take care of me, and I still had to get up and feed myself and take care of my cats. And then the RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) hit, and the lower part of my body had to get up and walk around and wiggle frantically, while the upper part of my body wanted to just lie still so that my nose would stop running, and the sneezes would stop, and my breathing wouldn't hurt so much. I really wanted to cut myself in half. I wanted my MOMMY!!!! At one point, I was lying in bed alone, mad at my cats because they weren't cuddling me, but they must be mind-readers, because not 5 minutes later, there they were, coming into my room and jumping up on the bed and taking their customary cuddling positions.

I wish I could welcome depression, but I can't, because it always triggers feelings of low self-esteem, and a desire not to live any more. Maybe not suicidal, but just wishing the world would go away. My mind gets into endless, unpleasant loops, and every bad memory of my life comes swooshing in. And there is no pause button to hit. I can't even listen to music, because when I'm depressed, it makes no sense to me.

So today, I went to my group, and I cried, and people were very sympathetic, but it's really something I need to learn to deal with. I need to learn how NOT to go to the dark places, and how NOT to get caught up in the negative loop. But it's not easy.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you feel better soon Natalie. Being sick is no fun, but even worse when you live by yourself. It would be nice to have someone bring you a nice cup of hot tea & feed the kitties for you.