Stream of consciousness day

Well, this is a kind of follow-up to the blog I wrote about me.

I have finally come to the point of having enough strength to admit that I have problems with food, and the desire to do something about it. The picky eating, the diabetes, and the problems with both bingeing and starving myself make for a complex situation.

Right now, I am struggling with the fact that if I eat only a minimum, it's much easier to control my blood sugars. But when the minimum means one cup of milk in the morning, and a cup and a half of Greek yogurt in the afternoon, and frequently nothing else, that is really not a nutritionally complete diet.

I am considering going into an eating-disorders program which has a diabetes component. This means that the staff has dealt with diabetics before, which is comforting. On the other hand, they have never dealt with ME, unique zebra-creature that I am. And that is scary.

So I am looking at this huge step with a mixture of hope and trepidation. I am not a diabulimic teenager, and my health is stable, so I'm not in crisis, but still, I may have a couple of decades left in me, and my thinking mind says I should attempt to live them as healthily as possible.

One of my fears is the wide diversity of opinion as to what constitutes a healthy diet. I have considered all the sides that I have been able to discover, but in the end, I guess my picky eating and my diabetes have the final say. It might be healthy to eat walnuts, but I can't tolerate them, and it might be healthy to eat whole-grain bread and oatmeal, but my diabetes says no. And, like many, I fear weight gain -- I HAVE lost weight on my restricted eating, and while my weight is in the "normal" category, I'm certainly not thin.

So I plan to enter the program next week, but meanwhile, I'm living with a lot of anxiety, and my little devil eating-disorder friend is desperately trying to talk me out of it. And I'm just trying to hang on.